why do i hesitate?

I read her post and it touches me...stirs something within.  Or, perhaps, it is God using her words to speak peace to my heart, to teach me a lesson, to show me myself.  I click that [f share] button and pause, tapping my brain for words to share her words with others.  I hesitate.  What will they think of my thinking this is good?  Will they hear what I did when I read it?  Or will they shake their heads with a "there she goes again" look?  Why do I care?  I send it on for myself...the sharing helps me own the message...and for them...because maybe, just maybe, He wants to tell them something, too.

empty thanks

We played a couple rounds of "thankful for" at lunch today.  This is where you go around the table and name something you're thankful for.  My day job is an HR associate, so this was my boss's way of making this a "working lunch."  As the 5 of us went around the table sharing things we're thankful for (life, home, family, friends, job, etc) I couldn't help but feel it was all a bit hollow.  It's all well and good to be thankful for things.  It brightens our outlook on life and helps us focus on the positive...after all, no one likes a Negative Nelly.  But, to whom are we thankful?  If that thanks is not directed at the Giver, it truly is hollow.  What good does it do to tell my friend that I'm thankful for the birthday gift my parents gave me, especially if I neglect or refuse to thank them directly?  In the same way, we should direct our thanks to the Giver of all good things, otherwise, what's the point?

James 1:16-17 esv
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

What gifts are you thankful to our Father for today?

oh, the waiting!

I feel like my life is all caught up in waiting. It's been such a big theme over the past 11 years. But I don't want to wish my life away, either. I've been working on my personal statement of faith to include in our adoption application, and it occurred to me that I've been a bit obsessed with waiting. I'm sure my friends ears are weary of being chewed off by my babbling, so I'm throwing it to the nether-regions of the internet so you may listen or ignore at your own inclination.

I linked to this poem a couple weeks(?) ago on Generation Cedar, but I want to include it in its entirety here, as a reminder to myself.

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

This poem just rings with me, as it was my ongoing state for years while we waited to conceive.  For so long I cried to the Lord, begged Him to answer my prayers.  But, now, I agree with Him.  Waiting on the Lord has taught me so much more than getting what I wanted would have.  I still have my impatient, petulant moments when I almost demand what I long for, but more and more I'm learning to be patient for His perfect plan to be worked out in my life.

But that still doesn't mean it's easy...

five minute friday: the hard love

11 years ago today I married my best friend.  Our love has been easy.  2 weeks after we met we knew we'd be married.  2 years later, after my college graduation and his first "real, grown-up" job, we were.  And here we are 11 years later...in love as ever...but so different.

For us the difficulty hasn't been the love, it's been the dreams.  Sharing dreams and watching them shatter and having to pick them up and rework them again and again.  Watching God take our path and mold it to His desire...so much different from what we anticipated.

Yesterday we met with an adoption worker for the first time.  Then we came home and watched an Mtv show called 16 and pregnant where the agency played a part in the story.  It was heart wrenching.  And so beautiful.  These children made the choice of hard love that I never will.  At their tender age they were already making unselfish choices for their daughter's future.

Now, that's hard love.

5 minute friday...on saturday

The Gypsy Mama hosts this great weekly blog challenge called 5 Minute Friday where she throws a prompt out there and you write for 5 minutes.

Here's the description from her blog:

Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s write in shades of real and true and unscripted.

Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minuter who linked up before you.

So, here goes:

If you met me...

GO

You might think I have it all together, but I don't.

I'd try to bring up my infertility so you'd know that I'm not childless by choice and how much I want to be a mom.

You'd likely think I talk too much.

I'd tell you about my crazy cats and my friends' kids in an attempt to find some common ground.

I'd either spout ceaselessly about a topic I'm passionate about (knitting, spinning, adoption, my husband) or I'd clam up, worried that you won't like me for who I am.

I'd laugh at your jokes and share some of mine...mostly learned from my dad.

I might engage your adorable children or ignore them.  Neither is a reflection on you...it's just a matter of what I feel I can handle at the time.

You'd never know how badly I want to go back and edit this post...and almost everything I say.

STOP

Yikes...5 minutes was never so short before.

what guys think about modesty

When I was a Bible College student I had a dear guy friend who was honest and brave enough to share with me much of what is said in this video.  I've never been one for revealing clothing, but, up until that day, it was more a matter of covering what I wasn't comfortable with than an act of protecting my brothers in Christ from unnecessary temptation.  Since then I've looked at every article of clothing I've purchased in a new light.  I hope you will, too.

another encouraging sunday service

I just love the hymns we sing in church...so much truth and encouragement in them.

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
His holy will abideth;
I will be still whate'er He doth;
And follow where He guideth;
He is my God; though dark my road,
He holds me that I shall not fall;
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.


Whate'er my God ordains is right;
He never will deceive me;
He leads me by the proper path;
I know He will not leave me.
I take, content, what He hath sent;
His hand can turn my griefs away,
And patiently I wait His day.


Whate'er my God ordains is right;
Though now this cup, in drinking,
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it, all unshrinking.
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.


Whate'er my God ordains is right;
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken.
My Father's care is round me there;
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.

*sigh*  That song alone is a sermon I need to hear daily.