right now

I shamelessly stole this idea from The Pleated Poppy:

Right now I am…

watching:  Warehouse 13 on Hulu.  I love Hulu.  It makes it possible for us to enjoy our favorite shows on our timetable...without the cost of a DVR.

eating: Dove Chocolates. mmmmm...

drinking:  apple cider.  Yeah, with chocolate.  I know.  I'm odd.  And I'm ok with that.

wearing: Jeans, a flowered black shirt, and black cardigan.  So comfy and snuggly.

avoiding:  The kitchen sink, as well as a couple Christmas projects I really should be working on...like addressing cards.

feeling: Surprisingly excited.  Tomorrow is my 35th birthday and this is the first year I'm tempted to claim "29 again".  I'll be starting my Saturday with a Santa event for co-workers' kids but ending it with a fun dinner out with an amazing group of girlfriends.  So, all in all should be a great day.  We'll just gloss over the one-year-older factor.  It's just a number, right??

missing: My friend from the October post. (Apparently, I post monthly, now.)  She really needs to move closer. ;o)

thankful:  For heat (it's really, really cold outside tonight) and the innumerable blessings in my life (despite my lack of gratitude)

weather:  According to our thermometer it's 30* outside right now.  Guess that's not really, really cold, but it's December, so, whatever.

praying: For a friend who really needs it this week.

needing: Motivation and more time to get ready for Christmas.

thinking: About The Hunger Games.  I saw the movie preview the other day and immediately thought, "I sooo want to read that now!"  I ordered it on my kindle and am thoroughly enjoying it.

loving: My new phone.  Lee upgraded and I inherited his smartphone...my first.  Today alone I've used it to text, check my email, listen to Pandora and read The Hunger Games at lunch. :)

kindred spirits

I watch her prepare lunch from across the kitchen island with books neatly stacked and groceries half-unhomed and proof that people, and love, live here.  Her husband is working on yet another project car in the driveway, much as mine would if this were my home rather than hers.  Her littles, with their shy, inquisitive eyes, try to size up this stranger in their midst whom their mother welcomed with an embrace as strong as a sister, though she has none.  As they warm to me, three-year-old Pigtails can't sit close enough, and five-year-old Little Man overflows with a train knowledge that strikes me dumb with words seemingly too large for his young mouth.

As we share our lives, I gush words more numerous than hers, as it's always been, and I am bewildered by how time seems to stand still with us.  I remember late-night confidences and bright afternoons sharing what the Lord has done.  I remember my wedding day, and hers, and how we each stood with the other.  How is it possible that the last summer afternoon I spent in her yard could be three years past and her newest little is cradled on my lap?  We've barely missed a beat.  Our conversation flows with the same rhythm it always has, never at a loss for words or topics or joy or comfort.

And I wonder.

Is this what it will be like in eternity?  One long comfortable conversation with those who are ever near at heart though separated by distance or time?  Oh, how I hope so.

5 minutes on "beyond"

5 Minute Friday in a Nutshell: The Gypsy Mama invites us to spend 5 unscripted, unedited minutes following her prompt.  This week?

BEYOND

GO
I want to get beyond.  Beyond the "fine."  Beyond the "ok."  Beyond the facade that I'm alright.  I want to be me and be honest and be open.  But how do I do that when I always feel like I'm saying too much, already?  Does the "how are you?" want a true response?  Do they want to hear about my struggles and triumphs?  About my workday or my messy sink?  Do they want to truly know how I am?  Or do they want "fine."

Am I the one not getting beyond?  I hide behind my masks because I so often feel that a struggling heart isn't submitted and a messy sink isn't "Christian".  I've been reading Grace for the Good Girl and chapter one just floored me.  I could have written it (if I had any writing skill or desire to speak of) it cut so close to my heart.

I want a box.  I want a list.  I want an easy set of rules to live by so I know I'm doing this Christian-walk-thing right.  But God doesn't give us that.  He gives us grace and love and peace and so much more.  So much beyond what we could imagine or ask or, sometimes for me, even believe.  But I should believe it, because He's the only one who truly does go beyond...and loves me in spite of all my failings and shortcomings.  He loves me for me and so much beyond what I could ever love.
STOP

Check out more "Beyond" posts here:

I'll be sharing more about Grace for the Good Girl.  So stay tuned.

P.S. Can I just say I'm an edit-addict??  I so badly want to go back and change this and tweak that...sigh...trying to be perfect.  When will I learn??

why do i hesitate?

I read her post and it touches me...stirs something within.  Or, perhaps, it is God using her words to speak peace to my heart, to teach me a lesson, to show me myself.  I click that [f share] button and pause, tapping my brain for words to share her words with others.  I hesitate.  What will they think of my thinking this is good?  Will they hear what I did when I read it?  Or will they shake their heads with a "there she goes again" look?  Why do I care?  I send it on for myself...the sharing helps me own the message...and for them...because maybe, just maybe, He wants to tell them something, too.

empty thanks

We played a couple rounds of "thankful for" at lunch today.  This is where you go around the table and name something you're thankful for.  My day job is an HR associate, so this was my boss's way of making this a "working lunch."  As the 5 of us went around the table sharing things we're thankful for (life, home, family, friends, job, etc) I couldn't help but feel it was all a bit hollow.  It's all well and good to be thankful for things.  It brightens our outlook on life and helps us focus on the positive...after all, no one likes a Negative Nelly.  But, to whom are we thankful?  If that thanks is not directed at the Giver, it truly is hollow.  What good does it do to tell my friend that I'm thankful for the birthday gift my parents gave me, especially if I neglect or refuse to thank them directly?  In the same way, we should direct our thanks to the Giver of all good things, otherwise, what's the point?

James 1:16-17 esv
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

What gifts are you thankful to our Father for today?

oh, the waiting!

I feel like my life is all caught up in waiting. It's been such a big theme over the past 11 years. But I don't want to wish my life away, either. I've been working on my personal statement of faith to include in our adoption application, and it occurred to me that I've been a bit obsessed with waiting. I'm sure my friends ears are weary of being chewed off by my babbling, so I'm throwing it to the nether-regions of the internet so you may listen or ignore at your own inclination.

I linked to this poem a couple weeks(?) ago on Generation Cedar, but I want to include it in its entirety here, as a reminder to myself.

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

This poem just rings with me, as it was my ongoing state for years while we waited to conceive.  For so long I cried to the Lord, begged Him to answer my prayers.  But, now, I agree with Him.  Waiting on the Lord has taught me so much more than getting what I wanted would have.  I still have my impatient, petulant moments when I almost demand what I long for, but more and more I'm learning to be patient for His perfect plan to be worked out in my life.

But that still doesn't mean it's easy...

five minute friday: the hard love

11 years ago today I married my best friend.  Our love has been easy.  2 weeks after we met we knew we'd be married.  2 years later, after my college graduation and his first "real, grown-up" job, we were.  And here we are 11 years later...in love as ever...but so different.

For us the difficulty hasn't been the love, it's been the dreams.  Sharing dreams and watching them shatter and having to pick them up and rework them again and again.  Watching God take our path and mold it to His desire...so much different from what we anticipated.

Yesterday we met with an adoption worker for the first time.  Then we came home and watched an Mtv show called 16 and pregnant where the agency played a part in the story.  It was heart wrenching.  And so beautiful.  These children made the choice of hard love that I never will.  At their tender age they were already making unselfish choices for their daughter's future.

Now, that's hard love.

5 minute friday...on saturday

The Gypsy Mama hosts this great weekly blog challenge called 5 Minute Friday where she throws a prompt out there and you write for 5 minutes.

Here's the description from her blog:

Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s write in shades of real and true and unscripted.

Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minuter who linked up before you.

So, here goes:

If you met me...

GO

You might think I have it all together, but I don't.

I'd try to bring up my infertility so you'd know that I'm not childless by choice and how much I want to be a mom.

You'd likely think I talk too much.

I'd tell you about my crazy cats and my friends' kids in an attempt to find some common ground.

I'd either spout ceaselessly about a topic I'm passionate about (knitting, spinning, adoption, my husband) or I'd clam up, worried that you won't like me for who I am.

I'd laugh at your jokes and share some of mine...mostly learned from my dad.

I might engage your adorable children or ignore them.  Neither is a reflection on you...it's just a matter of what I feel I can handle at the time.

You'd never know how badly I want to go back and edit this post...and almost everything I say.

STOP

Yikes...5 minutes was never so short before.

what guys think about modesty

When I was a Bible College student I had a dear guy friend who was honest and brave enough to share with me much of what is said in this video.  I've never been one for revealing clothing, but, up until that day, it was more a matter of covering what I wasn't comfortable with than an act of protecting my brothers in Christ from unnecessary temptation.  Since then I've looked at every article of clothing I've purchased in a new light.  I hope you will, too.

another encouraging sunday service

I just love the hymns we sing in church...so much truth and encouragement in them.

Whate'er my God ordains is right;
His holy will abideth;
I will be still whate'er He doth;
And follow where He guideth;
He is my God; though dark my road,
He holds me that I shall not fall;
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.


Whate'er my God ordains is right;
He never will deceive me;
He leads me by the proper path;
I know He will not leave me.
I take, content, what He hath sent;
His hand can turn my griefs away,
And patiently I wait His day.


Whate'er my God ordains is right;
Though now this cup, in drinking,
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it, all unshrinking.
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.


Whate'er my God ordains is right;
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken.
My Father's care is round me there;
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.

*sigh*  That song alone is a sermon I need to hear daily.

why God makes us wait

This post by Kelly at Generation Cedar...just...wow.

Read it.

Why God Makes us Wait

my one word

Have you heard of this phenomenon?  Rather than the traditional new year's resolution (e.g. lose weight, quit smoking, etc) which is also traditionally abandoned by spring, people are selecting one word to define their direction or focus for the year.  I first heard of it from Ann Voskamp and decided this year to do the same.

In January I gave my new year a cursory name of "gratitude" but didn't go much further.  After a bit of prayer, study and reflection, I've now refined that to "joy".  Joy encompasses gratitude but also has a broader and deeper meaning.  While nailing down the word "joy" and really defining it as my word for the year, I felt like a Bible college student again, pulling out my Strong's Concordance, Greek-English Interlinear Bible and Vine's Expository Dictionary to do a bit of a word study.  I sat with my laptop at my dining room table, blanket over my legs, a kitten snuggled at my feet (no kitten in the dorm, but a recommended addition :) ) with my bibles and reference books scattered across the table (somehow the internet just wasn't enough today) trying to define this one word for my year.  JOY

The world defines joy as a state of happiness or felicity.   Well, that's easy, as long as everything goes my way and nothing bad happens.  Or, I could just stick my head in the sand and pretend everything was great: walk around with a goofy smile on my face so everyone will think I'm joyful.  But joy goes deeper than happiness.  Happiness is a product of our circumstances, Joy is a reflection of our heart.

 James 1:2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, you can't get much more contrast with the world's view than that, huh?  In my life, when I think of a trial I think of something that has been very present in my life over the past ten years...infertility.  In April my husband and I will celebrate eleven blessed years together, alone.  I know I sound stark, and I'm trying not to wallow, truly, but a decade is a very long time to wait for something.

Now, according to James I should count all this 10 years of struggling a joy.  But why?  James 1:3-4 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

One verse I hear so often used in situations such as mine, when we as Christians can't see a reason for what God has ordained, is Romans 8:28.  It's quoted almost as a platitude: I don't get it but God will work it all out for your good.  What we forget is the following verses of context that define what this "good" is that God is working all things together for. 

Romans 8:28-30 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ²⁹For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ³⁰And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

You see, the good He's working in us is to conform us to the image of His Son.  And in verse 30 we see that He won't leave us half-done.  We are not some DIY project He gets bored with before moving on to another.  God always finishes what He starts. 

In our infertility journey, we've struggled together, and individually, through both dark times and times of faith, lasting anywhere from months to minutes, and are stronger, both separately in the Lord and within our marriage, for that struggling.  But we miss the point of the struggle if we're not learning through it to be more like Christ. 

And that's where the joy comes in.  This is not a case of making lemonade from lemons.  I'm not to be superficially happy with all the free time I have on my hands or the lack of diaper blow-outs or the solid nights of sleep.  Oh, no, I rejoice because I know that there's more to the situation than meets the eye.   I know that what looks like a lack, is actually a tool in my Father's hands to mold me more and more to the image of Christ.

And that is true joy.

Is there an area of your life where you need to look for the joy? 
Have you selected a one word resolution for your year?  Will you share it with us?

in His image

So God created man in his own image,
   in the image of God he created him;
   male and female he created them.
~ Genesis 1:27

The traditional interpretation of "in His own image" has been our place of authority over the plants, animals and earth the LORD created in the previous days, and I'm not arguing with that.  However, I think there may be a broader application here: God as creator.  When we create, especially when that creating is done in love for others, we reflect God's image as creator.  Whether you're a knitter, a baker, a scrapbooker or a decorator...you're a creator!

For me, creating immediately triggers thoughts of spinning yarn and knitting gifts for others or stamping and sending a birthday card.  But I also reflect God's image when I organize and beautify my home if I do these things in a spirit of service to Him and others.  If I complain while I begrudgingly clean my home and decorate using money that would be better spent elsewhere because I want my home to look like a magazine cover, then I am not doing these things in love.  I am only serving myself.  However, if I cheerfully clean my home and make the most of what I already have in new and creative ways, I not only bless my family, I serve my God.

How do you reflect God's image as a creator?

the ouch factor

It actually started with one of the opening hymns:

All the way my Savior leads me; what have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt his tender mercy, who through life has been my guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort, here by faith in him to dwell;
for I know, whate'er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well;
for I know, whate'er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.

How can I be discontent with my lot when it is my Savior who leads me? Why do I doubt His tender mercy when He's always proven Himself faithful? How can I question His love for me just because I don't have what I want or what I think I need?? How ungrateful of me and how gracious of Him to bear with me!

Then, yeah, I really should have seen it coming. After all, our pastor has been doing a series on the 10 commandments for the past 9 weeks and the tenth commandment has been the tenth commandment for, oh, I don't know...several thousand years! I should not have been caught by surprise...and yet...

The sermon title was "Covetous or Content?" and really served up the ouch factor for me. You know the ouch factor, right? It's when something hits you so close to home that you can no longer deny it's application in your life. That feeling that a sermon was written just for you. (He is an omniscient God, after all, so that may very well be the case...I wouldn't put it past Him. ;) )

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s." Exodus 20:17

Cancelling my subscription to Better Homes and Gardens went a long way to assisting me in not coveting homes I couldn't have (that doesn't mean that I'm perfectly content with the one I have, but I'm getting there). I don't know anyone with servants. I'm not a big fan of livestock. I really couldn't imagine having a husband better fitted to my personality, strengths and weaknesses. So, I'm in the clear, right? Wrong! It's the "anything" that condemns me. That includes so much! It's all the "if onlys" I tell myself so often. If only I didn't work in an office but could stay home... If only I were a mom... If only I had her business sense... If only I could speak/write/cook/bake/scrapbook like her...

What then? Oh, I'd be content! I'd have no complaints! Right? Wrong, again! John Rockefeller was once asked the question "How much money is enough?" His answer is so very telling: "Just a little bit more." You see, I'd be just as discontent even with all the things I think I need to be happier, because it's not the externals but the internals that dictate contentment. It's all about focus. When I'm focused on what I don't have, it's all I see...and no matter how much I do have there will always be so much more than I don't have. However, when my fucus is on my Savior, His sacrifice for me and how I can serve Him in thanksgiving...everything else is icing on the cake!

a very good place to start

So, this is the beginning, and, as Maria of The Sound of Music says, that's "a very good place to start."  My desire is to chronicle my journey as I strive to become altogether His.  That is...wholly, entirely and completely my Lord's daughter.  And while this is not the beginning of my spiritual journey (not by a long shot) it IS the beginning of me attempting to be more transparent about the lessons the Lord is teaching me, as well as how well or poorly I learn them.

From the first time I thought about starting a blog like this, I knew what the name would be.  And as I searched for just the right scripture to accompany the title, I came up short.  No single passage expressed all I wanted to convey.  So, I'll share a couple that are part of the whole picture. :)

Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Song of Solomon 4:7  You are altogether beautiful, my love;  there is no flaw in you.

I desire to glorify God as He prepares me for the good works He has in store for me so that I will be altogether beautiful in His eyes.  Lord, grant that I keep my eyes on this goal and not be distracted by the transient or urgent things of this life. Amen.